36.5 weeks- getting ready!

 Hi sweet baby! It feels so strange to be writing to you... I realized that I haven't started your blog yet this afternoon and knew I had to get right on it because you will be joining us really soon! Your due date is 1/15/2021, which is only about 3.5 weeks away! It is just a few days before Christmas and we are *almost* feeling fully ready for you! We have your little nursery area set up, we have all your little newborn clothes washed and ready in your closet, we have your name picked out, and the hospital bags packed... we still need to move big sister June into the back seat so we can get your carseat put in, finish our to-do pile which is hanging out in the laundry room, make a few more freezer meals, get the dog all groomed, get your dad a haircut, finish getting all the February and March birthday presents ready...that type of busy work stuff! but when it really comes down to it, we would be ready if you came 3 weeks early! I hope you come full term though, or maybe even a little late. I don't want your birthday too close to Christmas! And I want to slow down over the next little while and really soak up some special time as a family of 5 before this big new change for our family! We have been hustling getting ready for you! because we really haven't known about you for very long... you see, your sweet birth mama came to us about 8 weeks ago! And for the first few weeks that we knew about you, we just knew that there was a young girl who was pregnant and jumped in to offer help by gathering baby clothing and gear. We found out a few weeks later that your birth mama was considering placing you for adoption and we immediately said that we would love to be your family if she really did want to move in that direction. We had your Ita Blanca bring her to the house and we sat down and talked with her and she was sure right away- she kept saying that her heart felt so happy knowing that you were going to be in such a happy home. I remember sitting there on the floor, nursing Ezekiel and Johanna and June running back and forth between Ita and me, unsure because of the stranger in our home, and just sweating and feeling so nervous that I wanted her to know our hearts and for the Lord to just have His hands on the situation. Our heart was to serve your birth mama in whatever way she needed us. Whether that was to provide clothing, food, babysitting when needed, etc. or to become your family and love you to the best of our ability... the Lord has been so gracious to our family, and specifically me and some of the desires of my heart through YOU! My precious gift from God! Your story is so beautiful and I am so thankful to get to be a part of your life! Your birth mama loves you so much and she just knew that she couldn't provide for you the way she wanted when she had to work to provide for her four brothers and sisters back in Guatamala. It has been hard to have deep conversations with her as she speaks a dialect called Chuj-Maya and even the doctors haven't found a great translator yet. But she is working hard on her Spanish and as the weeks go along, we are figuring out all the important things! We just had our home-study today and I feel like that really cements things a little bit... we are waiting on some physicals before our home study can be submitted and because of Covid-19, we have had a hard time getting in to see a dr... you are being born into a crazy and strange year little lady, but that is a whole different story for another time haha. I have been able to take your birth mama to her last two doctors appointments and an ultrasound, so I have been so blessed to be able to hear your heartbeat and see your sweet little face and hands and feet and watch you wiggle around! But I haven't been brave enough to ask your birth mama to feel you inside her tummy yet.... I want to so badly....gosh it is making me cry even thinking about it. I wish so much that I could have that beautiful connection with you- to feel all your hiccups and wiggles and kicks and to feel you respond to my touch. I wish that you would come out knowing my smell and voice intimately and feel so safe and secure on my chest. I know that with adoption comes trauma...there is no getting around that. Your story can be so beautiful, but of course it is coming from a place of deep pain and there is nothing I can ever do to take away that pain. I pray that you know that you are fiercely loved by two mamas who both want the absolute best for you! We gave your birth mama a recording yesterday of me singing lullaby songs and reading stories to the girls and also just some of the chaos of 3 kids running around. We asked her to put the headphones to her belly at least once every day and play it for you. I pray that you will become familiar with my voice and feel at least a little more secure with me after you're born! It breaks my heart to think of you feeling afraid and wanting your birth mama, but I know that I am doing all that I can to help ease you in to this huge transition! I have also been stealthily taking video of your birth mama talking so I can capture her voice to play back to you when I feel like you need the comfort and familiarity of a different language and the voice you have known for the past 9 months. I am also bringing some essential oils that can help with emotional processing and trauma and hope to use those to help you too! And so much prayer. You have been covered in prayer, sweet girl, from the moment that we have known about you! the Lord has you in His hands! I am trying to think what else to share here...there is so much more to your story and I never want to forget any of it, but I also don't want to just put it all out there for the internet. I pray that you know that you are always, always welcome to talk to us about your birth mama. And to ask any questions that you might have. Or to talk about any feelings that might come up- hard feelings or happy feelings or anything in between. I pray that you would know deep in your heart from the moment you are in my arms that you are 100% my daughter, my baby, the love of my life. I am so thankful for you and I cannot wait to meet you, to hold you, to know your voice and personality- I am so excited! and nervous...this is all so different and I have no control over anything, but boy what a growing and humbling experience this has been for me and I am so honored that the Lord is working in my heart through all of this! Oh, also I am excited to nurse you! I have been working hard to ramp up my milk supply the past 6 weeks- I jumped up to pumping 4 times a day this week! I am getting 6ish ounces a day to freeze plus whatever Ezekiel is taking...which is a lot. He has been way more interested in nursing since I have upped my supply haha. He is going to be so jealous when you get first dibs, but I pray that tandem nursing will be possible and that you two will get to be the best of friends from it! And I pray that I can exclusively breastfeed you for your first 6 months... we will see. I am 20 months postpartum already, so it will be a challenge, but I am working hard at it! Ok- that is all for now- here are a few pictures.... I love you, sweet girl of my heart <3